COMPASSION: A GUIDE TO SUFFERING WITH OTHERS

I am not an instinctively compassionate person. I think compassion and empathy come naturally for some people (God bless ‘em!), but I’m willing to bet that most of us could use a bit of coaching in this arena.  

I’ve often thought of compassion as merely feeling sorry for someone who is hurting and recognizing the sadness of a situation. But compassion is much, much more than that. The root word of compassion (compati) literally means “to suffer with.” This is not a feeling, it’s an action. Compassion means stepping into someone else’s pain and wearing it with them and bearing it with them. This takes commitment. This requires sacrifice. It is hard enough to bear our own grief; it is a selfless choice to bear the pain of others.  

I remember in the early days after receiving Shep’s diagnosis, feeling acutely alone in my grief and aching for the peace of God and the compassion of others. It was an interesting opportunity to observe how others fare in the compassion department when met with a friend’s suffering. I had friends who quietly pulled away from me, uncomfortable in the face of pain, unsure of what to say to me. But I also had friends (and even acquaintances) lean in and truly suffer with me. 

As I’ve already stated, I am no compassion expert. I’m sure there have been many times when I too have withdrawn from others because I didn’t know how to respond to their suffering. But God has shown me a thing or two about what true compassion looks like through the people He has placed in my life at the exact time I needed them. So, I’ve compiled a mini guide for those of us interested in growing in compassion. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but merely the top three ways compassion has been shown to me in my seasons of suffering. 

1. Presence

I believe the BEST way to show compassion is simply by showing up and being present with a friend in need. In the first week of receiving Shep’s diagnosis, my friend Amy showed up on my porch with a huge bag of food for dinner (and breakfast for the next day). I barely remember what I said to her or what she said to me, but that is not what mattered in that moment. Amy pulled me into a hug and we BOTH wept together for several long minutes. MY son was the one who received the life-altering diagnosis. MY life was the one that would forever be changed by the news we’d just received. Yet, here was my friend weeping with as much grief as if it had been her son instead. To this day, when I think of what it means to suffer with someone, I think of her. So often we get hung up on having the right words to say, and when we can’t find them, we withdraw to avoid feeling awkward. I’m here to say that there are times when the “right words” don’t matter. Being there matters. Hug your friend. Hold them while they cry. Cry with them. Just be there. Fight the urge to offer a silver lining perspective or quick-fix bandaid sentiments. Validate their pain by sitting with them in it and allowing yourself to feel the sting of it too. 

2. Prayer

There is something so powerful about praying over a hurting friend. When you pray for someone, you are bringing their situation before the all–powerful God who alone can heal, provide peace, change hearts, and work all things together for good. Prayer is surrendering the illusion of control and actively trusting in the goodness of God. Prayer is standing in the gap and speaking life and truth over a friend who might not be in a season to articulate those things themselves. 

Praying for a hurting friend is powerful. Praying WITH that friend is even better. When you pray with someone who is grieving, you are lifting the weight of a burden that is too big for either of you to carry and laying it down at the feet of the only one who can. 

3. Practical Help

I decided to stick with all P’s here just so it’s easier to remember. Alliteration is our friend. 

This aspect of compassion requires a sacrifice of time and energy. Part of suffering with others means acting on their behalf and providing practical help to ease their burden. Friends, I have never received an unwelcome meal. When you are grieving, getting dinner on the table for your family can feel like an insurmountable task. Bringing dinner to someone who’s hurting is an easy, practical way to show them that you are with them in their suffering. If meals on wheels were a love language, it’d be at the top of my list. 

I have also had friends provide practical help for me by: 

• Watching my older kids so I could take Shep to appointments, 
• Babysitting all my kids so I could go on much needed dates with my husband, 
• Holding Shep at group gatherings so I could participate in discussions with fewer distractions, 
• Offering to feed Shep so I could enjoy my meal while it’s still hot 

Obviously these examples are specific to my needs, but everyone has very practical needs like these—it just might take a little investigation to find out what your friend needs. 

A side note—most people are terrible at asking for help and many of us struggle to even accept help when it’s offered. Be a bit pushy with your love. Instead of “let me know if you need anything” (they won’t), try “I’d love to bring you dinner this week. Which night works best for you?” It’s much harder to turn this down!  

Another side note—you might not be called to show up in all three of these ways for every single person going through a hard time. Use discernment based on your closeness to the individual and pray that God would guide you. You may not always be in a season to offer each one of these forms of compassion, and that’s okay. But God could also be pushing you out of your comfort zone. Ask Him, and follow His leading.

Well, there you have it! My top three ways of showing compassion to others: presence, prayer, practical help. I’ve been so blessed by those who have ministered to my heart in these ways. I’m a total work in progress myself, but I’m grateful for the ways God has used my own suffering to open my eyes to the hurting of others. I pray He continues to help me grow in compassion. 

I’d love to hear from you too! What are some ways that you’ve experienced the compassion of others?