We received Shepherd’s diagnosis when he was almost 16 months old. We had recently celebrated his 1st birthday which was a wildly different experience than the 1st birthdays of our older two children. The first year of Shep’s life was full of so many unknowns, so much fear, and sadness at the growing realization that Shep’s life was on a completely different trajectory than what we would have expected. We chose to celebrate intimately, with just the 5 of us. We decorated and had cupcakes that Shep could not partake of himself. It was a bittersweet day.
Upon receiving Shep’s diagnosis just a few months later, our searching had finally come to an end as we now had a concrete explanation for Shep’s lack of developmental progress. While having an answer brought some peace, our grief scab was ripped wide open and we began mourning losses yet again. What we had suspected, we now knew with certainty—Shep wasn’t just delayed, he was disabled. Life as we knew it would never be the same.
The months that followed were some of the darkest times of my life. Shep entered a long season of sleep disturbance that kept us awake all hours of the night for months. Grief coupled with sleep deprivation launched me into a spiral of depression that I had never known before. In addition to tending to Shep’s demanding needs and therapies, I had two other children under age 4 who still depended on me for just about everything. I was a shell of a person and was hardly coping.
I knew that in my weakness I should be looking to God for my strength. I should be praying more and seeking Him. But I honestly did not have the words to say to God. I was shell-shocked by how my life had been completely upended and I didn’t have the capacity to talk to God about it.
It was in this season that my husband, Daniel, sent me a text one day with a link to a spotify playlist that he had created. The playlist was entitled “Hope” and next to the title was a picture of Shep from his 1st birthday. He was sitting in his high chair behind the candlelit cupcake. His tiny hands were clasped together, a smile spread across his glowing face, and he was looking straight up. Somehow I had missed this picture when I had gone through his birthday photos. What I had chosen to remember from that day was how sad I felt. However, while looking at this photo, I felt joy. And Hope.
Shep’s upward gaze is the simplest gesture that really appears like he is looking upward toward God. It felt like a reminder to me to do the same. To this day, I see this photo as a divinely orchestrated gift from God especially to me and I can’t help but smile when I see it.
When I opened the playlist, I saw that Daniel had added several worship songs that brought him hope in this dark and heavy season. He invited me to add to the list, and together we would compile a list of hopeful anthems.
This playlist became a lifeline for me in the valley I was in. It gave me the words to cry out to God when I could not articulate my own. The songs on this list are songs of questioning, weeping, grieving. Songs of surrender. Songs of joyful rebellion and refusal to let the enemy win. Somehow all the feelings of emotional turmoil I felt alone in, had been felt by other people in other situations who were inspired to write about it. A collection of inspired artists put words to the groanings in my heart and it was a complete gift to me. I realized that while my situation might feel unique, pain is a universally shared experience and we all, at some point, are left kneeling before God holding the shattered pieces of our lives and wondering where we go from there. I was able to benefit from this universal human condition by singing the words others had penned when I could not formulate my own.
I have learned that there is great power in praising God in the face of hardship. It is not denying the pain of your situation or making perfect sense of it all, but merely laying it down at the feet of Jesus and telling Him, “I trust you.” Praise is putting God back on His throne and taking myself off of it. It takes great courage to worship from the valleys, but I’ve found that it’s also the best way to pull you out of them. Worshipping God may not change our circumstances in the slightest, but it has the power to change us as we actively choose to align our hearts with His and trust in God’s character, even when it’s hard. Taking our eyes off our trials and fixing them on Jesus instead has a way of putting our problems in perspective. Praise is quite possibly the most powerful weapon we have to fight against depression, fear, and grief. Why wouldn’t we wield it boldly?
I’d love to share our personal Hope Playlist with you if you find yourself in a discouraging season. I encourage you to make your own as well that speaks to you in your specific situation. A dear friend of mine once told me that God often hijacks her Spotify account to have her hear exactly the words she needed that day—maybe He will do the same for you.
Feel free to click the link and add this playlist to your account or listen below: Hope Playlist
I’ll close with lyrics from one of my favorite songwriters, Benjamin William Hastings:
So I will praise You on the mountain
And I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way
You’re the summit where my feet are
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
No less God within the shadows
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
You’re the heaven where my heart is
In the highlands and the heartache all the same
Song: Highlands (Song of Ascent)
Good Shepherd 